The Witch's and Druids Den

Expressing what follows is extremely difficult for me. Until now, I’ve kept this hidden, never verbalizing it, burying it deep within, as it evokes feelings of shame and worthlessness. I convinced myself that I had eradicated this aspect of myself, believing I was “MAN” enough to do so. Regrettably, instead of completely eliminating it, I unknowingly dispersed fragments of it throughout other aspects of myself, causing harm not only to me but also to those around me. Through discussions with my therapist, I’ve come to acknowledge my tendency to be controlling. This realization has left me questioning: Why? I never aspired to embody such behavior, nor did I intend to silence others’ voices.

OK, here it goes: when I was younger, I was sexually abused by an older male boy; not only that but I was blackmailed into doing things, he said he would tell others if I didn’t do what he said. I was beaten up by that person and taunted. I watched that same boy’s family jump my mom and try to drown my younger brother. My stepdad was not around, most likely in bed with another woman who was not my mom. But during that time, I couldn’t do anything. As I was a young kid, eight years old, I ran. This created issues for me. I wanted to protect and control so stuff like that did not happen to others I wanted to take others pains away.

Ignoring our trauma and emotions only compounds the issues, leading to unnecessary complexities.

All of those experiences led me to believe that I was a villain, that I was inherently bad and deserving of punishment. This internalized hatred towards myself left me feeling worthless and devoid of any value. The constant barrage of homophobic slurs and being called a girl only added to my confusion and sense of displacement helping me to connect with something we shouldnt and that is HATE. It felt like there was no place for me, not even within myself. To cope, I constructed a facade, telling myself that I didn’t want others to suffer as I did, so I resolved to become a protector and a fixer for those around me. I buried the pain of the past deep within me, hoping it would never resurface. Little did I know, it manifested itself in various ways, impacting every aspect of my life.

When meeting new people, I feared that if they glimpsed the skeletons in my closet, they would flee, abandoning me and seeing me as worthless because I viewed myself as worthless. I felt compelled to be more than I am, yet I struggled to define my true identity beneath the mask.

In our Western society, young boys are unfortunately taught to believe that some women require strong men and that suppressing emotions and pushing forward is the only way to succeed. If you don’t then you are weak and not of value. Personally, growing up without a consistent role model, I relied on movie, and comic book portrayals of strength, but I never truly understood what it meant to be strong. I pushed aside my own struggles, thinking that doing so was a sign of strength and I could show others how to do that. I aspired to be a protector and a fixer for others, believing that this was the ultimate display of strength. However, the mask of the protector distorted my perception and hindered my ability to empathize with others’ emotions and needs. My desire to instill kindness and compassion in the world led me to believe that controlling everything was necessary, as I believed I knew best and that I had no other value.

This type of strength, often associated with the suppression of emotions and the need for control, carries inherent risks. It gives us emotional repression, preventing us from effectively processing and addressing our feelings, which can lead to various mental health issues and hinder our personal development. Control often comes at the expense of empathy, making it difficult for individuals to connect with and understand the experiences and emotions of others, straining our relationships. My approach set unrealistic standards, overlooking the importance of vulnerability and seeking support. By focusing solely on external control, it fails to address the root causes of problems and may perpetuate harmful cycles. It creates a conflict between the projected image of strength and the suppressed emotions, resulting in inner turmoil and a sense of dissonance.

My wife told me this about strength and it resonated with me greatly.

Self-worth is connected with trusting yourself. That you keep promises to yourself, and by proximity, those around you trust you because they see your worthiness within yourself and will treat them that they, too, are worthy. Worthiness isn’t that you do everything right or perfect. But you try and try again. This is true strength.

Malle

The masks we wear, whether they are crafted out of a need for love, kindness, control, protection, or projecting strength, can gradually corrupt not only ourselves but also those around us. Our masks might seem like necessary defenses against the vulnerabilities and uncertainties of the world. Over time, they can become suffocating, trapping us in a cycle of inauthenticity and emotional suppression. When I consistently wear a mask of Protection, I lost touch with my own emotions and fail to recognize the needs and feelings of others. This lead me to corrupt something precious. This facade this mask of supposed strength prevented me from seeking help when I needed it most, perpetuating a sense of isolation and internal turmoil. The masks we wear often project an image of perfection or invulnerability, creating unrealistic expectations for ourselves and those around us. This creates resentment and insecurity not for just you but others, as we struggle to maintain the facade and fear being exposed as anything less than flawless.

These masks not only corrupt our sense of self but also erode the trust and authenticity within our relationships. As I begin the journey of breaking free from this mask and transmuting I will embrace the courage and vulnerability, as it opens doors to true connection, personal growth, and emotional fulfillment.

The mask that started out as a tool of Protecting slowly turned into a mask of Control.

In the Alchemist furnace following the Raven